OUTRIGHT ROLERKITE

VOTE!

2011-09-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

Call your kids, call your wife and call your husband, cuz we need errbodys help.

About. me is having a contest and the winner will have a billboard at Times Square in NYC…and Dressing on the side is in the top 5%, please help make DOTS the grand prize
winner!

1. click here

2. then click "vote for the profile" in the top right hand corner.

3. repeat daily until 9/20

NEW HOUSE

2010-03-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

Boyfriend and I just purchased our first house! Not only have I been neglecting this blog because of all the craziness of buying a house, but we have started a home blog to track all of our remodeling/ fights/ ladder accidents, you know, all the joy of home ownership.

Check it out!

Half Kitchen

Another example of Hawaii's Island Time

2010-02-19T15:48:00.000-08:00

Back in April Boyfriend and I had one of those horrifying moments that you read about in tourists books called, How not to get robbed when visiting Hawaii. Luckily, our awesome friends were there and kept us from burning down the island and the Visitor Center gave us a keychain and a coffee mug to commemorate the time we got all our shit jacked on one of the most beautiful places on earth.

It took us weeks to get everything back in order. We had to get all new cards, new cameras, cell phones...you know, all that important stuff that you carry with you everywhere you go. Those jerks even stole my sun block -that’s just cruel taking a white girl’s SPF and leaving her on the streets of some tourist trap to burn.

Yesterday, I got a call from the Kauai Police Department, “Megan, we have recovered your belongings.”

I call the police department back thinking they have my camera filled with pictures from our vacation, my Iphone and my bikini top that makes my boobs look banging. BUT the woman responds with “We found a bag near the location of the robbery and have retrieved some of your cards and clothes, but they smell horrible and are covered in dirt and mildew. I don’t think they’re salvageable. If you want me to send it to you, I can mail it at your expense, but honestly I don’t think you would want this stuff.”

It's disturbing to think that they went through all of our stuff with their furtive hands, took what they wanted from us and ditched the rest of or belongings that they couldn't use which coincidentally took us the longest to replace. For 10 months it's been laying in dirt, basking in the Hawaiian sunshine probably stomped on by a wild boar or Kauaian chicken.

Pretty Day in Portland

2010-02-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Sunshine,

Thank you for finally visited Portland, OR. Won't you please stay awhile??

Just one small request while you're here, please avoid getting your beautiful rays too close to my Honda. Boyfriend spilled some probiotic nastiness on the floorboard and your heat is causing a sweaty ball-like fetor.

xoxo

OH NO!

2010-02-15T15:36:00.000-08:00

I like a man with a little scruff, but for the past two nights I've had nightmares about Apolo Ohno's soul patch.

I feel like its proliferating and taking over his lower face. It's hard to focus on his dexterity when my eyes automatically zoom into his rust colored, unsymmetrical chin poof. He's hiding a perfectly attractive man behind his chin pubes. Maybe he's growing it out for facial protection- with a mug like that, I understand why he'd want some armor on it, but that thing is seriously horrid.

Teeny Tiny House

2010-02-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

HGTV should be following me around because I am like a mad woman searching for house colors, figuring out how to maximize small spaces, and I've been to Ikea more times in the last week than in the past 4 years (combined) -- with the exception of when I bought a bed and it took me 3 trips to get all the damn parts to put it together. Why they don't bundle things or have step by step instructions posted that aren't sealed inside of the box is like the 8th wonder of the world to me. Luckily, that was around the same time in my life when I had a nonstop craving for Swedish meatballs and Lingonberry soda.

On my quest to utilize our tiny space most efficiently, I found this

Alright, cool dude, you squeezed everything you need into a space smaller than my shed. I give him props for that. Here I am bitchin about not having a walk in closet and this guy is living in a shoebox.

Check it out:

Pretty amazing right?

Yeah, I guess but good luck finding a compactible girlfriend that you can squeeze between your toilet and the bags full of money you have from charging people a 100 bucks a pop to look at your house.

Facebook Users Need Eye Exams

2010-02-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

Facebook doppelgänger wannabes needs to be stopped. This new social networking craze is just embarrassing for most people involved. No, you don't even slightly resemble Penelope Cruz, trust me people... your mom is straight up lying to you.

I've tried to play the game, I've closed one eye and imagined the person 30 pounds lighter and without the bald spot, but I'm just not seeing it. Facebook needs to do an eye exam and free reality check giveaway, because clearly their users are disillusioned. It's sad enough that people believe it, but then they go posting it on the internet so people like me can look at them and think " the only thing you have in common with Josh Hartnett is bushy ass eyebrows... you' look more like Josh BARFnett" Or there's the girls who post pictures of 16 year old Lindsay Lohan when they should be posting her methed out mug shots.

Oh, please Facebook gods, make this madness go away.

Wikipedia search: How to own a house

2010-02-03T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I woke up thinking, “how can it only be Tuesday?!” Then today my perception is, “tomorrow is already Thursday.” I feel like I want to speed things up and once life starts moving along, I want to freeze it.

In a month, boyfriend and I will be moving into our first home. Our first place together without roommates, our first place that requires us to buy a lawn mower and learn to clean the gutters. All the minutia of home ownership makes my brain shake a bit . I wanted so badly to get this house and pick up and start fresh. I wanted to have clean walls to paint and floors without carpet. Now, I am picking out wood floors and wiki-how’ing pulling up carpet. Everything feels accelerated right now and the month seems like it’s racing ahead and I need to slam on my breaks before I go flying through the windshield- that was a pretty morbid analogy for a happy time in my life, but I need to step back and enjoy this one day at a time. As much as I am going to love having my own place, I’m going to take the time and enjoy the lax lifestyle that I have now and appreciate having money for pretty penny cocktails because I know after March 3, I will not afford to go out for the next 30 years.

Bungalow Love

2010-01-26T16:26:00.000-08:00

Big BIG News. Please stop sobbing about Conan O’Brien for like 12 seconds because I’ve got some big news of my own. Boyfriend and I found a house! I’m not going to brag about how perfect it is and how it’s exactly what we wanted, because it’s not.

We walked in it about a month ago and said, “ NOPE! Nah, don’t like it. BORING. Not for me… NEXT!” But, after being at the tail end of a line making offers that couldn’t compete with jerks with cash and being disappointed house after house, we decided that we can make this one perfect. We can remove the carpet (note: I have a carpet phobia and envision little carpet dwelling bugs in there burrowing under my toenails every time I step barefoot on the floor.)
G R O S S. We can add a dishwasher, paint the walls, fix the cabinets and replace the door. The important thing is it’s ours and we can do whatever we want to make it into our perfect pad… we could fill the front lawn with plastic flamingos and pygmy goats if we wanted. No more landlords and stark white walls, hail to my future hardwood floors.

You can now divert your attention back to Coco.

The Bachelor.

2010-01-18T16:27:00.000-08:00

Even though I am no fan of the Bachelor. I will be watching in honor of my friend Tenley tonight.

May the most natural boobs win!

Question of the day

2010-01-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

What is with high school boys' urge to yell out of moving vehicles' windows? WHY!?!? Would they say such things when passing the same person on the street? sitting next to them in a waiting room? In the grocery store? Driving with their parents? NO!!

Something in the male freak gene makes teenage boys lose all sense of self composure and yell out of traveling automobiles, this is especially true when they are a passenger with their little hormonal entourage.

Furthermore, why is it 5 years ago teenage boys would yell , "YOU'RE HOT!" at me and today I got, "YOU LOOK PISSSSSSSSSSSED!"

I Surrender to the Butter.

2010-01-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

The holidays have come and gone, but a stick of butter is stuck in my arteries forever. Actually, more like an entire ham stuck on my ass, carbs cushioning my now bottomless stomach and leftover sweets in the candy bowl just waiting to form a muffin top above my hips.

I’m not the only one to overeat excusing the indulgence with a new year’s resolution to hit the gym everyday and do an endless amount of sit-ups. It’s the same every year, our gym is packed with newbies carrying their brand new sparkly water bottles and sporting their new gym clothes that are a optimistically a size to small because they’re planning to lose sooo much weight. The classes are packed and lines form at 6pm with eager runners looking for a treadmill. Usually the momentum holds up until Valentine’s day because all the ladies have to look smokin’ when their ass is hanging out of their itsy bitsy red dress… or it’s just another sad, gluttonous holiday for the single ladies who sit around devouring boxes upon boxes of chocolates watching the Bachelor and waiting for Mr.Right to log on to E-harmony.

Next comes St.Patrick’s day when it’s okay to eat corned beef hash (no matter how gross it sounds) and wash it down with as many pints of green beers as your stomach can handle.

Next up, we have Easter. Deviled eggs, sugared little marshmallow animals, chocolate bunnies, syrup filled eggs, ham and anything that can be molded into an egg or colored pastel pink is fair game.

Then…. oh this is fun… it’s time to hop into a bikini and show off much gravy you poured on top of...everything. Something doesn’t seem right here. Why didn’t Hallmark, God and the Irish plan these sugary filled holidays with the thought of bikinis and cellulite in mind? New Year’s gym resolutions aren’t going to cut it because there are an upcoming 3 months of an insatiable appetite. I give in.

Hello one piece.

Oh, how I love him.

2009-12-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

Boyfriend offered to make breakfast this weekend.

Behold...

The Tortilla Chip bowl of cheddar, veggie sausage, eggs and some unidentifiable fleshy thing that was later discovered to be turkey lunch meat, served with a side of salsa. Protein Packed and made with love, I'm a lucky girl.

Joy to the Fruit Basket

2009-12-17T13:11:00.000-08:00

Cheese balls, meat logs, popcorn in a tin can, overpriced pears and chocolate covered things that were healthy before they were chocolate covered. I have been living on corporate gifts this week. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I come home smelling like salami and cheese in a jar. By the way, cheese is something that should never, ever be in a jar or an aerosol can. I have a copious amount of preservatives sitting in my belly, but I successfully prolonged going to the grocery store.

Tis' The Season.

New Look

2009-12-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

I went and got myself some asymmetrical bangs. Basically I paid someone to make my hair look disheveled... and I'm totally digging it. I have a feeling the grannies at work look at me with sympathy thinking I had some unfortunate mishap with safety scissors over the weekend. But, that's no different than any other day for me. From the eyebrows up, I’m pretty punk rock.

Or, I could pass for an androgynous dude.

I'll settle for a fixer

2009-12-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

Boyfriend and I are trying to purchase a home. It’s been a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs. Mostly downs seeing as how we don’t have a house yet, and I have so much rage I could punch a small child. Saying I’ve been a nutcase through this process would be an understatement. Poor boyfriend has been an angel dealing with my “I want! I want! I want!” tantrums. My sweet mom even got a taste of my pathetic, feeling sorry for myself moments, “we’re going to be living with roommates forever (sniff sniff cry cry sniff). The roommate’s cat shits on the floor and vomits under my bed and I'm pretty sure someone drank my orange juice.”

We have been in houses covered with sharpee on the walls, feces (literally, shit I tell you), mold, missing the walls, filled with squatters and we have smelt just about every unimaginable stench possible. Do you know what rotting meat mixed with BO and Doritos smells like? I do!! The way people live is just nauseating and makes me thankful all I have on my floor is cat shit and coffee stains.

After months of searching and foul odors that are impossible to get out of my hair, we found one place that we knew was “our home.” Apparently, everyone else in the fu*$ing (censored so I don’t have to hear about my “potty mouth” at Christmas time) city had the exact vision of the perfect house. We went to put an offer on the house and there were so many offers on the table we would have had to pay cash and offer a BJ to get them to even look at our offer. Who pays cash for a starter house?!? I don’t even have enough cash to buy a Diet Coke. The most expensive thing I own is a zales promise ring from my high school boyfriend (needless to say, I sometimes break promises). The $8,000 first time home buyers tax credit doesn't really work when investors are sweeping up all the affordable houses, but don't even get me started on that.

Last night, the realtor (this guy is such a sucker for not giving up on us yet) took us out with a flashlight in 20 degree weather to repeatedly get disappointed. The last house we saw was one of those “I don’t really care. I’m cold and hungry, but if you want to go in, I guess I’ll go in. It kind of looks like the builder was on LCD, but what do we got to lose.” So, we went in and with the crack of a smile and a nod of approval, we became vulnerable to disappointment all over again. We like this one and we’re going to see where it goes. This time, I’m going to put my poker face on and hold off on picking out the paint colors. Wish us luck.

2009-11-25T12:18:00.000-08:00

This baby stole my idea for what I was going to do for this year's Christmas card. Stupid Baby. Now I have an oversized bow that I have no idea what to do with.

Here's some back up plans I created...

Old People Keepin it Real

2009-11-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

We had yet another company party today. Our parties are really uneventful and after the 2007 hoopla no on in the company is allowed to have alcohol anymore. So, we just eat… a lot of fast eating and awkward stares. The best part of today’s Thanksgiving potluck was everyone passing around hand sanitizer under the table because of rumors of a couple employees with swine flu. All the typical whiners were especially pissed off to be at this communal dinner because we had it the same week as Thanksgiving this year. Oh boo hoo life’s so tough, you have to eat turkey twice in one week--it’s always the ones who weren’t going to bring anything to contribute anyway. They just come and shovel potatoes in their ungracious faces and leave. Bah hum bug. As everyone was walking into our designated party room, people were moaning and groaning and acting like 3 year olds being forced fed brussel sprouts and the sweet little granny of the company turns to them with her little head scarf on and says, “Would you shut and get over it or go back to work.”

HAHA~ You got served! Happy Pre Thanksgiving.

Slowwwww Down

2009-11-12T14:33:00.000-08:00

I'm impatient. I know this. I've always been impatient. As a little Rolerkite, my lack of patience always got me in trouble. One time, my mother left me in the car while she ran into the store to grab the rest of the ingredients for dinner. I was hungry, really hungry. I started eating a baguette my mom purchased for dinner. I ended up eating the entire baguette. It was a baguettless evening for everyone and I OD'd on carbs. oops

On a separate occasion, I ruined Thanksgiving, or at least the mashed potatoes. Mom asked me to cook the potatoes to be mashed and served with gravy. I thought I could speed up the process by cutting the half cooked potatoes into tiny shreds. You should have seen how fast those potatoes cooked. When I annouced "They're done!!" my mom glanced over at the slivers of what was once a potato and shrieked "OH MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE POTATOES!?!?!"" oops

In 8th grade, we moved into a new house the day of what a pubescent Rolerkite would consider "a really important school dance." I needed a new shirt to show off my new boobs and my mom was going to take me to the mall before the dance. I got impatient waiting while she unloaded the dishwasher, trimmed the rose bushes, folded laundry and did whatever else she did when I felt like I had been waiting an eternity.

So, I took my hormonal self and sat in the car to wait. I sat there. Flipped around with my head in the seat, flipped around again, laid down, sat up, honked the horn, then decided that I would pull up just a little bit to have a better view of her and make pathetic faces through the window until she came out. As I attempted to roll the car up-- or down since we lived on a very steep hill, the house shot down the hill, through our front yard and crashed through a small brick wall and stopped when it hit a tree. I crawled out of the passenger side and did the 007 look while crouching behind the car to make sure no one saw. I was a preteen and my life sucked, so of course ALL of our new neighbors saw the entire event and came out to help pull the palm tree out from under my mom's bashed in car. oops

I still hate waiting. I despise lines, waiting for dough to rise and hair to dye. I tap my feet and cross my arms when we're about to walk out the door and boyfriend decides to go to the bathroom. I icing cakes when they're still warm. I eat most of the cucumbers before they go into salads. I always have smudges on my freshly painted fingernails. I hang off centered pictures on nails that are already in the wall.

But, I'm learning. I'm becoming more accepting of time. I know that the icing will melt off the cake and boyfriend will be silently irritable if he doesn't pee before we leave. I've switched lines enough in the grocery store to know that it's not going to make that much of a difference and you'll probably end up getting stuck behind some 90 year old with a check book-- oh don't even get me started about people who write checks still.

Spook Ville

2009-11-03T16:10:00.000-08:00

I love Halloween. Absolutely love it. I love the frilly costumes, fake eyelashes, all the creativity that goes into one night, the ability to be anyone/anything you want to be for one night, and the gigantic amount of candy I can eat without anyone judging me.

Growing up, most of my birthday parties were Halloween parties so it was like double fun day for me. I got a shit ton of candy and got presents and cake too. The competitive part of me always came out on Halloween. I would be on a time crunch to get the MOST candy per minute. I remember leaving friends on door steps while I obsessively ran to the next door. Apartment complexes is where I dominated. It's amazing that I wasn't a fat child. I still eat my body weight in candy, but now I wash it down with a little bit of pinot noir and vodka- not necessary together, but I wouldn't put it past me.

This is my second year of coaxing boyfriend into couples costumes. He disturbingly felt way too comfortable in this year's costume. We went as Ed Hardy Douche Bags. I don't think there is a female term for these people. Girls simply get away with it because their boobs are hanging out and they've had enough jägerbombs to sedate a cow.

Lot of girls as peacock's this year, but my friend Coey had the best costume by far.

Group Shot

25 years of Nostalgia

2009-10-26T11:44:00.001-07:00

Today is my 9,125th day of life. Woot Woot. Whatever. I'm getting old, but my facebook page is getting more updates today than Ashlee Simpson's face.

My 4th birthday was the best I had at that point in my life. Probably because it was the first one when I could wipe myself and my mom made me a bad ass Barbie cake. Those two things combined are something to celebrate. I liked New Kids on the Block, curly hair, My little Pony and any toys that had appendages that popped off to make it easier to dress them. When it was time to blow out my birthday candles, my best friend leaned over to me and whispered "If you don't let me blow out your candles, I won't be your friend anymore." I leaned back and said "bitccch, it not your burfday!"

My 9th birthday was awesome! It was still cool to wear homemade Halloween tshirts (and I did). I had a matching scrunchie to show I wasn't messing around. My birthday was at the skating rink and my mom bought me the only pair of roller skates I've ever owned. We didn't have much money, so it was a big deal- I felt like we were buying a Ferrari for my feet. Mom wanted to make sure she got more bang for her buck, so we bought the skates 2 sizes too big and stuffed the toes with pieces of fabric. I could go backwards, I could go fast, I could skate while holding hands with scrawny freckled boys, I could dance on my stoppers. I could wake up without my knees popping and my back aching.

My feet still aren't big enough to take the fabric out of the toes.

My 16th birthday was a gigantic letdown; No cars, big pink dresses or cupcakes. I wore a scratchy wool sweater to school, My boyfriend broke up with me so I would be too devastated to notice he didn't get me a present, we lost our big soccer game, it rained, I was abnormally small and had big, awkward bangs, i had too much anxiety to get my license and I wasn't old enough to appreciate the rabbit my uncle murdered for my birthday dinner. Honestly, I'm not sure if I will ever be old enough to appreciate that.

My 20th birthday, my boyfriend told me I could pick out a 4-wheeling helmet. I'm still not quite sure what that means. I have never owned a 4-wheeler, 3 -wheeler or anything that requires a helmet in my life.

My 21st birthday was spent sober. Enough said.

All I remember from my 22nd birthday is that my boobs looked amazing, so it must have been a good one.

Sometime in the same month as my 23rd birthday, my dad called me to wish me a happy birthday. When I explained to him my birthday wasn't for another 3 weeks, he apologized and called the next week... it still wasn't my birthday. He later called two days before my actual birthday being extremely apologetic that he missed my birthday. My birthday was forgettable, but he managed to win the Father of the Year Award.

My 24th & 25th birthday has made up for bad friends, bad hair, bad boyfriends, and bad dinners. Boyfriend made these last two birthdays absolutely perfect. I wish I could go back in time, slip on my white and pink skates and skate around in circles with him listening to Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Mi.... BARRRRRRRF! I'm 25 years old and it's about time I work on making up for the 21st birthday (see above).

Happy Birthday to me!

It's not Always a Piece of Cake

2009-10-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

I have been a bit out of it lately. Like on hold. Frozen. I don’t know if it’s my 25^th birthday coming up; watching my peers grow up, get married, have babies; the fact that I am still trying to find that one thing that I’m really good at that gives me satisfaction; if it’s the weather changing; if it’s the fear of being mediocre- just blending in; or if I just need to wash my sheets and get my hair done and I will be back to my bippity boppity self again.

My grandmother would have called this “down in the dumps.” All you would need to say is “I’m just down in the dumps,” and she would immediately understand your feelings. No questions about what was bothering you, what would make you feel better, if someone gave you another STD… she just knew that life hands you a shit sandwich sometimes and nothing would make it better except angel food cake, of course. Whether you want it or not, you’re getting a damn angel food cake and maybe if she was feeling spunky, she’d throw a little food coloring in it. My grandmother was blind, so the color was purely a selfless flare to show she cared.

But sometimes, you just need to get over it. Let life spit in your face, listen to Johnny Cash’s version of “Hurt” (cause there isn’t anything more pathetic than that), then put your big girl panties on and grow up. Because life is about taking chances… and angel food cake, of course.

You stole my heart

2009-10-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

Finally, 21st century ladies have their own Jesse James to dream of being held hostage by.

Colton Harris-Moore, 6-foot-5 with a bad attitude.

You know his mother was expecting a bad ass baby when she named him "Colt."

Classic story. Dad disappears when he's a baby; step dad dies when he's 7; grows up in a trailer covered by a tarp; starts stealing at an early age; goes to a halfway house; breaks out of the halfway house and becomes known as "the barefoot burglar," breaking into houses, stealing airplanes and then vanishing into the woods north of Seattle.

He was destined to have greasy hair, overgrown fingernails and become a member of the trench coat mafia, but against all odds his impudence has landed him a facebook fan club with over 2,500 members and producers want to purchase his story.

This Colt fellow can steal my virginity any time.

All Rise

2009-10-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get back on track after serving jury duty.

I missed 3 days of work and had my modern day technology revoked because of an accident 3 years ago that took 2.25 seconds to happen and would have been avoided if someone left their house 10 seconds later or was traveling 3 mph faster. Luckily, no one was seriously injured in the accident and hopefully everyone's life (including mine) can move forward.

AGAIN! It's a Vagina, not a Clown Car.

2009-09-23T15:47:00.001-07:00

For the sake of that woman's vagina and our over crowded schools system, these people need to stop. 18... going on 19 children, really? Is that necessary? They're just showing off now. Yeah, we get it-- you have bombastic sperm and she has a uterus made of steal, but your 19 "J named" uneducated (the girls are forbidden to go to school) children will produce another 300-5000 brainwashed citizens of this country using taxpayers money to sit at home, make their husbands meatloaf and use their wombs as some sort of freak factory . Gross.

But putting this new baby aside for a sec- this woman's hair is an entirely separate catastrophe. If the Dugger family has taught me anything it's to invest my money in the Perm Stock Market, because I have a feeling that the perm-in-a-box that you can do at home while other (normal) kids are at school is going to be a booming market.

So many babies

2009-09-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

Everyone is making babies.
I am not making babies, but I make invites and announcements for babies.

This is my favorite. Not only are owls my new favorite thing,
but this is a non-gory invite for a Halloween babe.

Creamsicle Locks

2009-09-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

I knew it was a bad idea to go to a different salon, but I did it anyway. I knew it was a bad idea to go back a second time to try and tone down my Skittle Head, but I did it anyway (and I don't pull it off like the girl above).

Boyfriend can't sympathize with me and it doesn't matter how much I point and whine and shine a light on my strands, the man's eye is not trained to notice these things. It's times like this I wish I had my momma here to tell me I look funky and to calm my crazy ass down when all the appointments are booked for the next month.

Woman Seeking Doctor With Soft Touch and Lots of Meds

2009-09-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

I need to find a doctor (no mom, I'm not sick). I just want a doctor in case I get sick. I was sick once and was told that doctor's don't take new patients on weekends. What? Why? Do people not get sick on weekends? I'll just let my fever and diarrhea know (note: this is for exaggeration purposes only, i do not poop, and I do not do the d word) that it needs to hold off and can proceed Monday- Friday from 9-5 pm.

I ended up going to urgent care and spent 2 hours in a waiting room with people in soiled sweatpants who think it's acceptable to give up on personal hygiene if you have a cold (note: it's not). I collected enough viruses to kill a normal human being and was told to drink water and sleep. SLEEP! WHAT? GIVE ME SOME DAMN ANTIBIOTICS OR I WILL CHRIS BROWN YOUR FACE! Or- at least give me a shot to cure whatever diseases I picked up in your waiting room. Gonorrhea?

It's one of those things they don't tell you that you have to do when you become a real adult. That's what parents should threaten kids with as a child, " IF YOU DON'T EAT THAT BROCCOLI, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL MAKE YOU FIND YOUR OWN PERSONAL CARE PHYSICIAN."

or

"SUSI JEAN SMITH, I TOLD YOU TO WIPE FRONT TO BACK!!! I'M TAKING AWAY POLLY POCKET UNTIL YOU SEARCH THE INTERNET FOR A GYNOCOLOGIST!"

It's terrifying. Luckily, the provider director has photos. That's the only basis I am using for choosing a doctor.

Take this guy for instance...

ummm... NOOO! Next. This is not funny, this is frightening.

Here we have a doctor who obviously doesn't know how to work a digital camera to upload a new photograph. HELLO MODERN DAY TECHNOLOGY! Strike one
Strike two-don't trust anyone with a perm.

Dr. Forehead... no

Dr. Punisher... nope

Are you seriously STILL a doctor? I feel like I need to be taking care of you.

Sit down, take a rest. Let me get you some ensure and check your pulse.

The search continues...

Recession Busters

2009-09-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

Back when we were motivated and the weather wasn't as nice, Boyfriend and I were planning on Making a Recession Guidebook. Mostly it was just me talking about it and him nodding his head in agreement-- even though both of us knew it would never happen. Why? because recessions don't last forever and we don't tend to have a sense of urgency when we talk about "things we should do." That's why.

But now, the recession is whatever it is and it's not as trendy and no one would care about our guide to cheap eats and "how to be charming and get free stuff" (boyfriend's contribution).

The point is, if we were to do this book, which we aren't.
I found what would be the perfect first page. Hell, make it the cover.

Because nothing says RECESSION like coupons for birth control.
Good job health care reform!

I'm so old

2009-09-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

I'll be half way to 50, 1 quarter of the way to 100 and one step closer to my AARP card in less than two months. I am getting so old. I have a costco membership, a 401k and I caught myself enjoying Saltwater taffy yesterday... and again today (scary). I feel like the guy in District 9 who turned into an alien, one body part at a time. Except my arm isn't an alien arm, it's a faint wrinkle under my eye and a sore knee when I get out of bed, just a sign of my youth wasting away.

I just hope I have moves like this granny when I'm 90.

Unfortunately, I've never had moves like that. I'm doomed.

Dude Draws on Cups

2009-08-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Sharpie + Stryrofoam cup = a not so disposable cup of art.

The detail is super impressive-- and remember, he can't erase a wrong line.

http://iamboey.com/

Then, I was all like.. "Hey, I bet people draw on all kinds of stuff that's meant to be trashed."

Guess what, I was right...

Lunch Bag art:
http://lunchbagart.tumblr.com/

Paper Plate Art
www.jorgenoujaim.blogspot.com/

Napkin Art
http://www.mamasroyalcafeoakland.com

And, not exactly brown bag lunch related, but... Tampon crafts, really?
www.tamponcrafts.com

Now everyone can feel the wrath of your period. Welcome to operation menstruation.

My Phone Gave me an Eye STD

2009-08-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

I go out, but I don't gooooooooooo out... I am just not good at it. I lose things, my recovery time is longer than normal, I get dehydrated, my eyelids don't hold the weight of 5 Ibs of glitter, I get bruises, there is not enough conditioner in the world for my hair the next day, and apparently I get stds in my eye. I really don't have an STD in my eye, but I do have a swollen eye which can only be explained by my Saturday night.

I went out for a friends bachelorette party. I figure for a bachelorette party you have to go to the most grotesque places in town so all the douchebags can buy the bride-to-be drinks and she will be so mortified by the lewdness of men with popped colors, 7 for all mankind jeans, and spray on tans that she will never want to go out again, right? Well if that's the goal... Ding Ding Ding...I WIN, mission accomplished!!

In theory, it sounds like a very effective way to solidify her future marriage and to let us have ~~a horrible night~~ soooo much crazy fun! But, what really happened is.. I went home with a giant dreadlock in my hair, missing my coat, poor boyfriend had the bachelorette's vomit in his car and my precious Iphone that I don't know how to live with out was missing. How could I be so cruel to leave my Iphone at a place called "Dirty." No, I'm not kidding, it's really called "dirty" and you would think that I would know better. Iphone had a three night slumber party at dirty in the hands of "Dirty Danny" and the day after our reunion i have a freak'n bacterial infection in my eye...coincidence-- I think not!!

Recreationally Competitive

2009-08-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

As a little Rolerkite, I was not very competitive. I was more of a monkey bar kind of kid than a team conglomerate. I first got involved in sports in 6th grade when I joined a soccer team my friend was on (Tom's Tornadoes). I understood the game pretty well, I learned to predict where the ball was going to go and then I would go the opposite direction. I didn't want to be anywhere near it. I didn't want people looking at me and I didn't want the bigger girls (they were all bigger) to hurt me. I was in it mainly for the sweet puma uniforms, purple socks and cupcakes at the end of the game.

I continued to play soccer throughout middle school and high school. I was ok- I started to play and got better by default- I was definitely lacking the natural talent and ambition, but in high school we got bags with our names on them and all the good looking boys played soccer- so I knew my place. I remember winning games and I remember losing games and I remember not really caring. I didn't really get emotionally involved and I don't ever remember being physically exhausted or pushing myself anymore than to a satisfactory level. Most of my action shots in tournaments were dancing on the sidelines and picking wedgies.

Flash forward to now and I'm a crazed animal. My recreational sports aggression is borderline psychotic. I scare myself sometimes. I've never felt my heart race so fast out of excitement. Last year, we started a co-ed indoor soccer team for "fun." I pushed, yelled, cursed, and even sweated on that field. I had the "macho" rule called on me once (a rule mostly called on men who acted macho and pushed the women around or played too aggressively). Did I mention that most of our opponents were middle aged, slightly overweight and got offended if we said "damn." The league we were in didn't even keep score- but our team was bad ass and didn't like to lose.

For the summer, I decided to get a kickball team together-- you know, a non-contact sport to tone down my barbaric side. Turns out, kickball is brutal and I was even more of a vulgar, rapacious opponent than in soccer. I was unquestionably not good, but I would catch my self arguing with the ref or yelling "THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES!" when our team won.

Last weekend we played for the league championship--I felt like I was sitting front row at the biggest super bowl game in history. But i wasn't. It's kickball. It's adults playing a children's recreational game that's pretty anticlimactic unless you are me or anymore near my bouncing, overzealous self. But, somehow we won- and that game will be remembered ~~forever~~for another day if we're lucky. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES!

P.S. So proud to have taken home player of the week (mom don't click that).

I want...

2009-08-13T13:28:00.001-07:00

If only I was still sponsored by mom and dad and
had more than 3 vacation days.

Skimpy Speedos ban at Alton Towers

2009-08-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

Major tourist attraction Alton Towers has banned Speedos and other types of tight swimming trunks at its Staffordshire site on grounds of taste.

"While women may hail the return of the skimpy bathers, the style itself is not deemed public or family friendly, and therefore we are requesting that male swimmers wear more appropriate styles such as boardshorts."

Alton Towers Resort sales and marketing director Morwenna Angove said "We feel this small brief style is not appropriate for a family venue so we are advising male bathers to wear more protective swimwear such as shorts."

"We are also looking into offering complimentary male waxing, which will ensure preserve the dignity of all our guests."

__________________________________________________________________

I really think they are taking the wrong approach. This could have simply been solved with a couple of signs letting people know what's acceptable.

Chicken Nugget Ho

2009-08-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

Pimp Paid Prostitute with Chicken Nuggets

An Australian man who pimped a 16-year-old schoolgirl paid her with chicken nuggets for having sex with men, a court has been told.

Ronald Vikash Gander, 27, and his 16-year-old girlfriend devised a plan to...

_____________________________________________________

Pimpin Aint Easy... unless, of course, you have a supply of Chicken Nuggies.

Dreams of a hooker:
"If I had sex with that middle-age fat dude I could afford the 24 pack of McNuggets instead of the 4 piece off the dollar menu. I hope he throws in some extra sauce for free."

Makes sense.. get treated like meat for a scrumptious fried piece of meat.

I say, let the hungry girl super size it and call it even.

Shame on You, Miley Hobag Cyrus

2009-08-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

Miley Cyrus: NSFW

I know this is like totally last month's news, but I picked up Elle Magazine at the grocery store the other night and saw the pictures that people were talking about last month. When I heard Miley was being all prostitute-ish and scandalous in the Elle photo shoot I thought, "Who the hell cares, leave the poor girl alone. She can't help that she has young, perky ta tas busting out her shirt."

But when I saw the pictures, I changed my mind. Her boobies aren't even that great (oh maybe because she is like 12 months old) and she is seductively posing on a table in hooker boots. I'm no prude, but my 8 year old niece wants to imitate Miley's every move and this pisses me off. This hootchie is suppose to represent the Disney Channel not Cinemax. When my niece is dancing on the kitchen table in her OshKosh thong (because they probably make those these days) and taking her shirt off, we'll have Miley Cyrus to thank.

I'm Melting

2009-07-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

Our house, aka the only place hotter than hell, is a torture chamber. It's been over a 100 degrees out, but going outside is like a breezy day at the beach compared to our oven of a home. I think my fingertips might actually be sweating from typing this- soo gross.
The cat doesn't even want to live here anymore. Granted, the cat is overweight and probably will die of a heat stroke within the next three days, but the ungreatful lil sumabitch is sneaking out the window at night. He's like a degenerate teenager full of hate sneaking out at night to roll around in catnip, piss in people's flower beds and get all the lady cats pregnant. Actually, I wish our cat was that cool... he's too fat to even care about catnip and he's been neutered and declawed (i had nothing to do with that, leave me alone PETA!!) so his cat steeze is not up to par. He encountered another, non obese cat about half his size on one of his escapades frolicking around. Once he saw the other cat he ran inside and hid under the bed until the next day. I thought maybe he had a heart attack or finally went in for that well overdue gastric bypass surgery, but no... he's just a fat lazy pussy...

Lesson Learned: don't type in "hot sweaty pussy" in google images

ART!

2009-07-24T14:28:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to make time lately to embrace my artistic side again! I use to love to paint and draw, but somewhere along the line I lost track of my passion for art with the everyday chaos of life. In college I didn't have the time or the patience to put energy into art. I think part of me felt like it was juvenile and separated me from a social life.

My sophomore year in college, I was required to take a drawing class to get my Bachelor of Arts in Business. I was so anxious for the class because it was something I thoroughly enjoyed but had abandoned. At first I was frustrated and couldn't find the control I once had. I had trouble triggering over to my right brain after hours of obnoxious business work, but eventually I became more comfortable with it and would lose track of time in my drawings. My professor was a Saint and had a special way of teaching that I had never experienced with any professor. She taught us technique and how to relax and enjoy ourselves, but most of all she was just a hilarious nutcase that made art fun again. I enjoyed going to class just to hear her drunken stories and make fun of her high school boyfriends- you know, just raunchy stuff that the School of Business doesn't teach you.

Unfortunately, after my term in art I got preoccupied with school work, traveling, and eventually became old enough to go to bars... so i gave up art and moved on to cosmopolitans and cucumber kamikazes.

Now that I have settled in my big girl after college life, I have had the urge to invest some time in art again. Being in an office all day drives me to ignite that creative side. I have done some projects on my own and have taken some pottery classes, gone to a design workshop, and recently just started a painting class. I just finished my first painting. I call it Peacock Feather-- because it's a peacock feather.

So there you have it!

Greeting Cards

2009-07-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

I finally found an ecard site that doesn't make me want to vomit. No instrumental music in the backround, dancing french toast or bears holding balloons wishing you a beary happy... barf - just straight sassy sentiments.

and this one's for you, boyfriend:

Facebook, The Baby Story

2009-07-16T15:56:00.000-07:00

In the last month, at least 7 of my 439 facebook friends have given birth. I know this, because I feel like I am right there in the birthing center, scrubs and all as I am reading their updates.

"epidural city, bring on the drugs!"
"I'm having a contraction right now!"
"woah, so that's what afterbirth looks like.. I'll post pics soon!"
"you guys should see the size of this bastard's head" (no one really said that.. they're too caught up in all that mushy "the most beautiful thing in the world" goo goo ga ga barf
"I'm 14 inches dilated!" -just kidding, but I'd be impressed!

I realize, I'm at that weird age where people are getting married and popping out wee ones, but facebook has added a whole new aspect to the birthing experience. Some of these people I haven't even seen since middle school, yet I know these intimate details about their vagina dilating. Weird. Reading people's labor news feed is like watching TLC baby store- you would never admit to watching it, but you secretly do. Then you cover your eyes, but leave just enough space in between your fingers to peak a little when they are all sweaty and pushing 7 ibs out their vagina.

This is how I imagine facebook in the delivery room ..

"congratulations you have a healthy baby boy"
-- doctor hands new mom baby
"oh wait, can you hold it for a sec, i have to update my facebook status"

Updates status-- Doctor said I have the most beautiful boy in the world. I'm going to post pics after I'm done breastfeeding this hungry monster.

2 min later- Status Update- Pictures of baby are up!! (album contains 987 photos- 600 of her breastfeeding, 400 of them are the exact same picture from different angles)

About that...

2009-07-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

Addendum to yesterday's post about how sweet and perfect boyfriend is.

Yesterday I came home, walked upstairs and noticed a large brown, still wet coffee spill at the top of the staircase. I asked boyfriend, "did you spill coffee?"

"No, I poured it on the cat."

"What!"

"I was trying to get ready and the cat was meowing, so I poured coffee on it's head."

"No, you poured it on the carpet...wait...what? you did this in the morning and left coffee on the carpet all day?"

"Well, most of it got on the cat's head. Look how stupid he looks with coffee on his head (giggles). He's not whining anymore and coffee is practically water based. Not a big deal."

Neunundneunzig Luftballons

2009-07-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

Don't ya wish your boyfriend was sweet like mine. Don't ya?
Last Friday, I came home to a unexpected room filled will 99 balloons (1 popped), ten of which had notes and old skeleton keys attached (boyfriend knew I wanted the skeleton keys to make necklaces with). The ten "key balloons" each had a letter explaining the key things that make our relationship fantastic- my great rack being one of them, of course.
I was going to post some of the "good stuff" from the notes, but
1) I'm selfish
2) I keep forgetting to bring them with me
3) You might fall in love with him and I simply can't have that happen.

What I saw walking in the room...

Mr. Charming himself. Back off, bitches!

Boot Scootin Boogie

2009-07-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

Went to visit the parents in Tennessee over fourth of July weekend. Boyfriend had never been to the south before so we went downtown Nashville and did a whole lot of staring. I had jeans on and didn't have enough ass cheek hanging out to pass as a local, but we spent 3 hours in one bar dancing and listening to country music while former Tennessee Titans player, Steve McNair, was getting his shit blasted just a couple blocks away.

On the fourth of July we were having a BBQ when the Tornado sirens started to go off and the neighbor announce, "They've spotted a funnel cloud about 30 miles away."
Boyfriend thought it was some kind of delicious fried carnival treat covered in powdered sugar.
Don't worry- the tornado didn't stop the army neighbors from blasting off thousands of dollars in fireworks strapped to some sort of dynamite detonator.

Before we headed home my mom thought it would be "fun!" to eat 5,000 calories and give ourselves Congestive Heart Failure like a real southern, so we headed to the CATFISH HOUSE. It's still hard to say out loud without feeling like I need a colonic.

Here is what we did to ourselves: The seafood sampler...

Hearty meal of fried crab, fried catfish, fried clams, fried oysters, fried scallops, fried shrimp... and FRIED corn on the cob (why?). Also came with some friend okra.

Banned for Mustache

2009-07-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

Get this- this 14 year old was banned from his private school because of his mustache.

now that's a mustache, son! Actually it's just his unibrow on his lip, but you can see where the real problem is.

Oh, MJ!

2009-06-25T17:07:00.001-07:00

Poor Poor Michael. Dead? Not Dead? In a Coma? Not breathing. CNN finally reports the King of Pop is dead as disco (they didn't necessarily report it like that). I wonder how many Jackson songs I am going to hear over the next couple of weeks. We are going to have to put a hold on 80's dancing. All the tears on the dance floor are just a broken hip waiting to happen. I bet all those people who sold their Michael Jackson memorabilia on eBay last week are hating their lives right now. I just saw an auction for his July concert in London-- oops that's going to be an awkward concert. Ticket price is at $1500, I'd say it's a little overpriced considering the circumstances.

RIP MJ

Invites and Such

2009-06-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

Just some time killers/right brain exercises I have been working on. I am more ambitious if I make something for a purpose, so I have been creating invites and announcements for friends getting married soon or babes on the way.

Fashion Show

2009-06-17T16:01:00.000-07:00

Pictures (courtesy of Moonlight Images) from the Sustainable Fashion Show I helped organize are up! You can view them here.

Photoshop 101

2009-06-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Making fun of the ones I love while learning photoshop.

Portland Pride Parade 2009 - Gays on Broadway

2009-06-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

Here's a treat for all my friends and family in middle America...Portland just wrapped up their annual pride week. We were sitting outside a bar on Saturday night and witnessed the naked bike ride. A couple little wangs rode on by and then all of a sudden, there was a swarm of nudies. Those people are brave! I was wrapped up in a sweater and freezing, while these bikers had balls and boobs flying around like a stunt on Jackass. The most amazing part was that they had police escorts. In most cities, you would get a big slap on the wrist and an indecent exposure charge, but here in Portland the police protect your balls!

Sunday morning was the Pride Parade. Surprisingly, there was a lot less erotic behavior as in previous years. This year seemed to be more about love, being happy, family and freedom to choose who you want to be in love with rather than flying dildos and giant vagina floats- although there was a bondage brigade and a few ass cheek spottings- they were classy asses though!

check out that kid's rat tail. AWESOME

I'm going to befriend this guy so we can share shoes.

dudes pulling off lingerie better than I can.

The Prideful Poodle.

Then.. there were these crazy guys yelling in people's faces with their megaphone. What jerks.
This is the one day of the year when these people can come out and celebrate their sexuality and these jerks had to come with their oversized hate sign, criticizing them for who they are. Makes me sick... It made me think about how difficult it would be to be a cop and have to protect such ignorant people who judge others. Later in the day, a group of same-sexed couples surrounded them and started making out- priceless.

but let's take a closer look at that sign...

this goes back to my previous point about these people and their lack of education.
I'd like to point out a couple of my favorite devil lovers mentioned on this sign:
> Loud Mouth Women- oops i think I just got myself thrown into that category
>Sport's Nuts- Are they referring to the peanuts at the ball game? Those damn overpriced devil worshiping peanuts!
>Sophisticated Swine- you better wiki-what this...These guys are probably the ones responsible for that damn swine flu!
>Environmentalists- WOW! All of a sudden if you recycle you love the devil! You better not get caught sorting your glass from plastics when Armageddon comes.
>P.K's- little more specific please.. Promise keepers? Player killing (for the gamers)? Pakistanians? Psychokineses? Isn't PK that one guy on The playhouse in the morning?
>Government Recipients- don't we all receive government?? Oh... I think they meant welfare recipients!
>Emos- HAHA. Who taught this guy the word emo?
>Feminists- because equal rights and legal protection for women is BAD! Take the Susan B. Anthony!
>High Fullutent- help me out here.. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? This is not an actual word in the dictionary. When I google search it this is what pops up
"Are you a highly fullutent sophisticated swine?"
haha- it's connected to that other made up phrase that doesn't mean anything to anyone except the asinine hater holding the sign.
You think maybe they meant to say highfalutin?
or is it suppose to be high flatulent? If so, i couldn't agree more.

and what's with all the apostrophes?
Take a sip of this, you ass faces.

No, I don't like.

2009-06-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

HEY LADIES! Ever felt inferior because you couldn't pee while standing ? Ever wonder what it's like to just unzip a little and piss on the nearest tree, rock, road sign, small child? Ever think, "I would love to just urinate off the side of this boat?"

Well, now with the Pstyle you can pee on whatever or whoever without even bending your knees! What a great concept! Think of how easy our lives will be now that we have the free pissing reign that men have been selfishly touting.

OHHH HELL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I think this is gross and I invented the superior "hover pissing position" like 20 years ago. Which is not only sanitary, but is great on your calves and hamstrings. Just be careful with the drunk hover piss- you might need to bring a friend for assistance.

To kill a blue jay

2009-06-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

There is one blue jay that is going to get its neck broken once I find out how to catch a bird. This little sumabitch woke me up at 5 am perched up on our deck tweeting (no, he was not giving his friends updates on his twitter.com page) like a damn Bavarian Yodel Master for 2 hours. Finally, I got up and looked out the window and saw the neighbor's cat just staring at the bird like it was Luciano Pavarotti giving his last performance. "Kill the bird you lazy ass cat!"

Boyfriend ran downstairs to "take care of it."

"Did you get it?"

"I threw a bagel at it!"

"What?! You're such a Jew."

"No, Jews wouldn't waste a bagel."

Mark of the Beast!

2009-06-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

Twice last week, I had weird religious incidents that freaked me out, and made me think, "wow man, you're a freak. God should really rethink his ambassadors for the next recruitment drive."

Situation #1:
We (boyfriend,brother, and friend) were sitting outside of a gelato shop. We were having our typical sophisticated conversation- you know, fart jokes and period mishaps. Then, this bedraggled man starts walking towards our table who looks like he was going to ask for money, which would be commonplace in Portland, but what was about to come out of his mouth was something I wasn't as familiar with.. I had my " sorry man, don't have my wallet," line all prepared when this guy starts accusing us of witchcraft and worshiping the devil. Note: This was the first time in months that I left the wiji board at home and I made boyfriend cover up the pentacle tattoo on his forehead, so frankly, I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. His accusations were then aimed directly at the only person at our table with a short temper and willing to kung fu the shit out of his crazy talking ass (sorry for the "unattractive language" mom, but it's totally necessary in this situation). Unfortunately, she just looked over her shoulder to see if maybe there was some hex doctor back there that we didn't notice before. Then she asked, "who are you talking to?" "haha," I laughed. Not just because that is what I do in awkward situations, but because he wasn't staring and pointing at me, so it was actually quite humorous to watch. I guess he didn't like her question because he then turned to boyfriend and called him a clown and told him to stop sniffing glue. Glue sniffing witchcraft clown! Boyfriend wins at having many talents. He started yelling that he worships Jesus Christ and wanted to know who we worship! Boyfriend defended himself in the only way he knows how, by quoting Beyonce lyrics, "If you like it then you should put a wicca on it," until the man left us and we could continue our incantation rituals over our gelato.

Situation #2:
This isn't so much of a situation as it is a horrifying flyer that was on my car. First off, it's not okay to go around sticking things in people's door handles. I don't go around touching your children, so don't touch my handles. Great analogy, I know. I've now been carrying around this asinine garbage in my purse for nearly a week so I could show everyone how ridiculous it is. I wish they listed an address so I could write them a note about their spelling errors ( my favorite is when they say beast instead of best..whoops)... I know I'm not the spelling bee queen or anything; I have the vocab of a third grader, and half the time I make up my own words, but I wouldn't publish my misspelled piffle and use it to instill fear in uneducated suburbanites.

(click to see full image)

My, what a nice stache you have.

2009-05-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm bringing staches back...

Beards are for hippies, bums, and Afghans.. but the stache is where it's at. Don't worry kids, if your mom won't let you grow a mustache of your own. Here's some upper lip accessories so you can fit in with the cool kids.

World Beard Champion

2009-05-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

Big Alaska Headlines! Bristol graduated high school and an Alaskan man finally beats the Germans in the Freestyle Beard Competition.... what... I thought Americans and the Amish were the only people ridiculous enough to reward people for bad hygiene.
He said he won because, "The Germans were getting predictable."
You know those Germans, with their lederhosen and always following the charismatic man with the best facial hair.
2.5 years to grow it out
90 minutes to weave it
and a lifetime of celibacy.

Wow... congratulations on breaking free from World of Worldcraft long enough to have the internet laugh at you.

Nut Cruncher

2009-05-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm so confused. What's going on here? Why is he crushing that telletubbies' balls?
This is really far beyond my Marketing degree.

May have traces of nuts?

Bill Chronicles 2

2009-05-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

George Washingtonster
Too Cool for this dollar bill Washington hipster.
Only accepted at thrift stores and American Apparel.

So deck.

Trek'd out Washington

2009-05-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

I think I found my calling... modernizing Georgey!

"That's gonna cost you 75 Spocks." -- It just sounds right.
"Can you spare a Spock?"
"GIVE ME ALL YOUR SPOCKS!"
"Grrrrl, you need a man that has a lot of Spock."
"Spock Digger"
"25 spock to suck your ..." Let's keep it PG 13, people!

Aloha Assholes

2009-04-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah. So remember my rant about the Indian guy who totally scammed me with my Hawaii tickets, and I thought I would never go on vacation and life would be over? Yeah, well I went to Hawaii..

We spent the first night in Waikiki. Our first hotel was on the main strip aka Hooker Way.. There were ass cheeks hanging out all over the place. Not the "I'm on my way to the club ass cheeks" these were straight up, "Here is a little preview before you buy ass cheeks." After a night of car alarms going off and periodically waking up to make sure the deadbolt was locked, we were pretty eager to get to Kauai. We heard it was beautiful, low-key, great for surfing, lots of hiking trails, blah blah blah nature blah blah. We also heard that everything shuts down really really early (like 8) so you have to get up early and get all the outdoorsy stuff in and just go to bed so you aren't bored out of your mind. We figured just because the island shuts down, doesn't make it ok to go to bed at 8:30, so we went to the grocery store and stocked up on booze. We were pretty optimistic about our drinking abilities. We ended up "donating" about a gallon of booze on our last night.

Our second day it rained... our third day it rained.. our fourth day it was overcast.. and finally our 5th and last night in Hawaii we had a beautiful day. We traveled to the south shore and hung out on the beach. After the beach, we decided to check out some waterfalls at Kipu falls before heading back to the condo. We parked on the side of the road next to where the trail starts. Oh, I should probably mention that when we got our rental car the bastard upsold us to a jeep and claimed, "it's the only way to see the island." Yeah.. right.. It's the only way to get robbed on the island. So, we started walking down the trail and the boyfriend was having one of his "OH MY GOD THERE ARE BUGS EVERYWHERE!!! AHHHH" moments. So we headed back up the trail while our friends worked their way over to the rope swing. As soon as we opened the jeep we noticed our bug spray was missing. It was gone because the bag it was in was gone and the purse that was next to it was gone. Apparently, EVERYONE gets robbed on Kipu falls- great job for mentioning that in the tourist guidebook, assholes (again).

Here are some words of advise to make getting robbed easier:
- If you get robbed in Hawaii, call the Aloha center.. they gave us chocolates, cookies, starbucks gift cards and all kinds of souvenirs for their citizens being such an embarrassment to the state.

-Open an American Express card NOW. Why? because your bank doesn't care that you don't have money.. and parents don't answer the phone when you are stranded on an island thousands of miles from home. BUT.. American Express cares and they love taking your money and charging you a huge interest rate. I heart you American Express.

-Get renters Insurance- It covers your stuff even if you are away from home. Oh- and if you have an iphone, if you don't have renter's insurance you are big time screwed, dude. That's gonna cost you $600 to replace.

- Don't let those Rental car clerks talk you into a jeep. Why? Well, your ass is gonna get robbed and everyone is going to know you're a jerk of a tourist (hoalie) when you are driving around in the jungle with an Aalamo jeep filled with SPF 85 sunscreen and water wings.

-Hire this guy to hang out with you

Coffee in the Suburbs

2009-04-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

(note: this is not my fat hand)

I have a coffee confession.. think I have stooped to an ultimate low. I hit rock bottom.... I am sipping on a Latte from McCafe.. more like McBarfe. I was on my way to Starbucks and noticed the god awful line of SUV driving house wives waiting for their pick-me-up of overpriced burnt coffee, and then I saw the no left turn for Dutch Brothers which is usually a last resort because I HATE their loud ass trance music and getting interrogated by teenagers "what are you doing today?" "where do you work?" "oh where's that?" "Have any plans for the weekend?"
SHUT THE F*&K UP BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR AMERICAN EAGLE TSHIRT!!!

I was just about to call it a lost cause and drove by the MacNasty and thought.. well, what's the worst that can happen? I have to poor out a $1.99 latte and have diarrhea for the rest of the day (HAHA JUST KIDDING.. i don't poop)

me:"Can I get a small soy latte please."
MacNasty lady over scratchy speaker: whahhat?
me:"soy latte"
MacNasty lady: latte!?!?(mexican accent)
me: sure
Bum: can you spare some change? ( I kid you not, a bum walked up to my window and asked for money while I was in the process of ordering my shit storm in a cup). Bum got nerve! At least the ones in Portland are too high and too busy peeing on themselves to be that assertive.

I will not take my over coffee shop-pulated city for granted ANYMORE! I don't know how you suburbians do it.

Pillow Fight FAIL

2009-04-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

It was the first nice day Portland has seen probably since September and everyone was outside enjoying the sunshine. We even left the cars at home and walked around Farmer's Market before heading to the bedding blow down spot... yeah... that sucked.

We got there 2 minutes after the start time and there were all these people standing around with their expensive cameras and camcorders, security on-site, and a few folks obviously smuggling pillows.. but not even an attempt at a pillow fight. We sad there a few minutes while people whispered to each other trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Eventually one unfortunate looking fat kid pulled out a pillow and smacked another unfortunate looking, but skinny and helpless child with it. Then, a man in a chicken suit pulled out his pillow and about 20 people brawled it out for about 10 minutes (MAX).. seriously, it was so sad. Granted Portland was really busy protesting the war, selling organic vegetables, and being the artisans they are, but the other city's bouts really make me embarrassed for Portland's ability to put the smack down.

San Francisco:

LA:

Portland:

Pictures are too sad, watch the video. They talked it up a little bit too much, but
check me out bustin that chicken upside the head at 30 sec till the end.
I win.

PILLOW FIGHT!

2009-04-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

April 4th is the World Pillow Fight Day. Portland will have their giant pillow fight at 2 pm- Pioneer Square. You know I will be there mutilating some bitches! I will post some pictures if my camera survives. Check the Pillow Fight website to see if it's coming to your city. (That's me pretending that people read this.)

Urban Drunkarod

2009-03-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

I should have written this on Sunday when all the mad drunkenness was fresh in my head, but yeah, I had a hang over and then went to a wine festival to cure the lack of boos in my system.

Let me break this whole Urban Iditarod thing down for you:
Imagine about a thousand people running through the streets of Portland on a Saturday afternoon dressed in costume (freaking awesome costumes) pushing a shopping cart that is loaded with beer, energy drinks and whatever else they wanted to bring along with them.

I was skeptical that this event was going to live up to all the hype I've heard about it because the planners were a bunch of uptight pricks about releasing the information (start time and location) to those who missed the registration deadline (that would be us, of course). We even went to the "secret"meeting the night before; I had found the meeting spot through my amazing Internet searchin capabilities, but all the Iditaroders were acting like a bunch of snooty executives trying to keep Martha Stewart out of a stockholder meeting and wouldn't give us any info. I could not believe that a group of people that would be running around the streets beer bonging, taking shots off a shopping cart and peeing on any random street where there weren't too many people the next day were being such square pants. If any of you know me at all, you would know anyone trying to tell me NO is just like feeding the fire.

So, we went about our night as planned: stole (borrowed) shopping carts, got our costumes, decorated our carts, made props. Luckily, someone I knew, knew someone, who knew someone who had made the registration on time and leaked the confidential information to our ticket to drunkville.

We showed up at about 11 not knowing what to expect. It was amazing! People had literally put MONTHS OF HARD WORK AND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS into their costumes. There was a Reno 911 group that never broke character, a team of cave men that were roasting an actual lamb shank in their shopping cart, a group of bakers equipped with bags of flour that was used as a weapon, a mammogram unit, an 8 ft long shark cart made with pabst blue ribbon, a costco cart that had been transformed to a stripper stage and the infamous KDRNK news crew (that be us).

I should stop trying to recollect the inebriated details, and just let you look at the pictures...

ok. forget it. Trying to get these pictures in here is like a blind man trying to solve the rubiks cube. You can check them all out here

Obama, keeping the ladies looking sexy

2009-03-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Today is payday! Yes, always exciting. The envelope I was handed felt a bit heavier than usual today. First thought was, oh no it's either a "thanks for playing, the economy sucks and this will be your last paycheck note," or an invite to a company party... both are letters which I like to avoid. No no no, there was none of that garbage in there. It was the letter explaining why I was going to be $15 richer every paycheck for the next year or so. Obama, you're the best! I am convinced (by convinced, i mean I tell myself these things) that this whole stimulus bill is to keep Americans looking sexy during the recession.

Obama doesn't want a country full of unsightly citizens. So, I plan on using my stimulus funds to do my part at keeping this country beautiful. No, I'm not talking about recycling or picking gum off the sidewalk. We might be broke, America, but there is no need to be looking like you spent your entire day eatting ding dongs on the couch. Take your tattered selves out and spend those beautiful American dollars. Here's some tips if you're still confused:

> Go get yourself a manicure- everyone knows that the orange stuff under your nails is from a 2 hour cheeto fest while watching Days of our Lives.

>Get a tan- Skin cancer is the new sexy.

> Whiten your grill- I don't care how broke you are. This is not the UK and you're not Jewel, so get your Euro teeth blasted, lazered, peroxided, bleached--whatever it takes.

>Get your eyebrows waxed- While other countries might pride themselves on the ability to grow hair between their eyes, this country has absolutely no tolerance for the unibrow. This also goes for chickstaches. So, if you are a lady and your face looks like Ben Stiller at the Oscars, make an appointment ASAP.

Snow?

2009-03-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

It's March, I live in Portland and It's SNOWING. Mother Nature is being a real C word lately. First off we have this whole time change thing that stole an hour of my life that I will never get back (yes, i know mother nature has nothing to do with the time change, but I am combining Mother Nature and the Government into one entity to save some time. It's much each to send one complaint letter), now.. snow, seriously. Enough of this, I'm ready to put a bikini on and sun bathe in my backyard...er, sorry Internet creeps I was just kidding about that. I will not be sun bathing in my back yard. I will only be in very high security areas with a very tall privacy fence and rottweilers, so please don't bother trying to murder me in my back yard. You would totally be wasting your time.. nothing interesting in my back yard except a couple of hungry pitbulls and an enraged bum looking for the man who stole his blanket.

I'm a fraud victim

2009-02-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

Some Indian dude and his Indian wife scammed me. I bought a gift certifcate for Northwest Airlines off ebay for $420 that turned out to be paid for with a stolen credit card. Now, my flight has been canceled (Hawaii dreams shattered) and no one can explain to me how I get my $ back and get my plane ticket booked. I'm told my plane ticket has been "suspended" since the gift certificate used was fraudulent.. Does this mean I have been banned from traveling forever? I'm probably going to have those agonizing, medical glove security checks now when I go to the airport. Stupid Airlines. They make me seem like I'm the perpetrator. I couldn't even scam someone if I lived in Nigeria and had a million dollar trust fund just waiting to be deposited into some foolish American's bank account.

"Make a police report, and give us the police report number," the airlines tell me. "You don't need a police report, we don' t have time for your petty cash problems," the Police tell me. Paypal says, "We'll try and contact the seller and get your money back." The airlines say, "Don't contact the seller! Then he'll know we're after him."

I'm pretty pissed at how no one in this country has a protocol for handling problems YET people are getting scammed constantly. Like that one time when I tried to buy a pet midget on Craigslist. Damn, I should have really seen that one coming! The guy wasn't even a real midget. He was just 4'11" and smelt like baby powder and gumdrops.
Anyway- Screw you, Police department. Screw you, Northwest Airlines. Screw you, Ebay. Screw you, Paypal. And double screw you stupid Indian man and your stupid wife too. I hope you sit in jail and are forbidden to eat curry for the rest of your life!

P.S. I'm still going to get Indian food tonight as planned.

Disclaimer

2009-02-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

So, i only had like 8 posts TOTAL and I deleted 2 of them after friends and family scorned me for potentially hurting someone's feelings. So, let's just get this out in the open so I can go on with making fun of things in life without hitting anyones sensitivity buttons.

Disclaimer: these blog posts (which are not that exciting anyway) are mainly made as a way for me to entertain myself. If I make fun of someone's clothing, hair, stubby fingers, or messed up grill, It means I care enough about them to take the time out of my day to laugh at them. I think that came off totally wrong and wasn't the point I was trying to make. But see, I exaggerate, A LOT, and not everything I might say should be taking seriously. There will be a Sarcasm 101 and How To Have Fun on The Internet course coming up that might help some of you put your worries at ease and enjoy life a bit more. So, to all 4 of you reading this, please download the "I will not get my feelings hurt from this pathetic blog" Agreement Form, scan it, and send it to: there_is_no_agreement_form@outrightrolerkite.com.

So Fresh and So Clean

2009-02-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

I love Etsy! I can always find some crazy, unique doodad on there that I don't need or some jewelry that my mom thinks is.... "innnnteresting" (that's mom talk for, "what the hell is that weird thing on your neck?") or I attempt to steal people's ideas and tell myself " I can totally make that!"... but I really can't and never do.

Yeah, but.. uh here is something for ya..
Etsy soap gone crazy. Scrub a dub dub with some creepy baby hands reaching out to strangle you (perfect gift for that pedophile in your family) your grandma's dentures, a gonorrhea soap stick- is that what that is?, or some good ol' ass and titties... guarantee you that if you have that soup, that will be the only ass and titties that you will be seeing for a looong, looooong time.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

Oh here it comes... that day when roses get really expensive and girls start looking through their spaghetti for shiny rocks. The day when the American people have to get a second mortgage on their homes to pay for champagne dinners and overstuffed bears. The day you will be murdered if you are a man and don't recognize this officially unofficial holiday. Don't worry guys, I am hear to help. I have created a list of the top gifts to give to your lovely lady, frisky fellow, or whichever gender you prefer. I'm not here to judge, I'm just here to to help.

1. Fundies- well that's something... This is a great way to get in an awkward situation with your partner. Directions: have a third party come in and hold the fundies open, stand on the bed with your partner and simultaneously jump into the fundies. Step 2: Kill yourself for spending $10 on the worst thing the internet has to offer.

2. It doesn't always need to be materalistic. Try spicing up things by trimming things up, if you know what I mean. wink wink.

3. I was just shopping around on drugstore.com, probably looking for toothpaste or something, and i found this!
Yeah... I know mom, totally inappropriate.

4. If number 2 wasn't your style, than Blondes have more fun? Right??? Yep, that's right, hair dye for that "special" hair.

5. Or, for the abstinent crowd that wants to look sexy/ hide and go seek fans, what about a lingerie chastity belt with built in GPS? Kind contradictory if you ask me.

Oh yeah, It's 2009

2009-02-06T11:17:00.001-08:00

It's February and I just published the first post of 2009 about all the fake internet money I (don't) have. There has been crazy big stuff happening in 2009 already and I'm just bragging away like there isn't a new president(who happens to be black) or that Arizona didn't make it to the super bowl (whhhat?), or that American Idol hasn't started a new season, or that Aretha Franklin didn't wear the biggest hat of all times to the Inauguration. What's wrong with me?Yes yes, I do acknowledge that all those things happened... but for the record, I have been sporting that hat long before Eretha felt like a Natural woman. Check it-

I'm rich, I'm filthy Fu@king Rich!

2009-02-06T11:04:00.000-08:00

Guess what people?... or I should probably say person, since there is literally one person that is subscribed to this blog. According to the internetz, this blog is freaking amazing. No one really knows why, but the spiffy Stimator says my pathetic blog is worth $5.2 million dollars. MILLION! I think the internet thinks that ROLERKITE is going to be the new hip word all the kids on the street are going to be saying

"You tap that Rolerkite yet?"
"She's ok lookin, but she ain't no Rolerkite."
"What did you do last night?"
- "Oh you know, just Rolerkite'n" (the new verb?)

, but more realistically, I probably have a secret fan base of stalkers that regularly visit this page and have the url tattooed on their unmentionables. So, thank you creeps for making me an internet sensation!

Another HO HO HORRIBLE DAY!

2008-12-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am not kidding you, there is a woman at work with bells on her socks. I have never seen/ heard anyone walk around so much in this building... EVER. I can literally hear her when she is in the bathroom. There are old ladies bragging about their Christmas sweaters (not in the ironic "look how ugly this one is" kinda way at all) and there are at least two men wearing festive bow ties today.

On a sweeter note, I just participated in my first cookie exchange. It goes like this: you bring cookies, everyone looks at them and judges you, they throw your cookies in a ziplock bag and you go back to work. Just like that. Nothing more, nothing less. I was expecting a cookie party and we could all sit around and avoid things for an hour and eat cookies. Nope, purely cookie business exchange.

Back to the Fur

2008-12-12T11:09:00.001-08:00

Back to that naked Kardashian girl and the fur... How do you think she would feel about a cat fur handbag? Completely humane, right? If you don't wear a purse, you can make scarves and hats too. Just think, you could be wearing your cat's ass hair on your head, brilliant!

I wonder if they have coin purses made out of their husband's pubes.

NO NO NOOOOO NOT THE PUPPET!

2008-12-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

Pupaphobia is the fear of puppets. I don't think I could be scared of something that I am definitely bigger than, and is made of pink felt. Even as baby Megan, I could kick that puppets ass. It's literally the strength of maybe an index finger. I want to strap this kid to a chair and make him watch Mr.Rogers.
There are some insane phobias out there. Here's a couple to ponder:

Potophobia- Fear of alcohol. - Mormons
Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, esp erect. - Lesbians
Peccatophobia- Fear of sinning or imaginary crimes. - Mormons again
Odontophobia- Fear of teeth or dental surgery.- Brits
Germanophobia- Fear of Germany or German culture. - something probably all Jewish people have.
Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis.- something more people should have.
Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.- watch out, I'm your worst nightmare!

2 Options

2008-12-10T12:55:00.001-08:00

Fur or naked? Are we really reduced to only these two options? I think it's just another excuse for a Kardashian to get naked. Way to show off your ass-sets Kardashian ladies.
Someone needs to stick her in Russia for the winter and see if she'd rather go naked.